Don't mind me if I discharge a few rants today, I've gained some strength from the total lunar eclipse last night after an arctic visitor overstayed any welcome.

I was doing the police beat Saturday and I came across another ticket for public consumption. I have never been able to figure this crime out. Is it against the law to be drunk? If we happen to get drunk should we hide ourselves away? What if we don't want to drive drunk so we are walking home one night, a little tipsy, maybe weaving our way down the sidewalk, stopping to chat with light poles?

Will a nice officer drive us home?

There should be safe zones for the inebriated in the city.

Maybe they consider drunkenness disorderly conduct, like squealing your tires , which is another one I could never figure out with the bass volume in some cars these days rattling my bones and the contents of the inside of my skull.

I find the woman in Wal-Mart screaming like a banchee at her children much more disorderly, or the driver on my ass in a snowstorm (I am going 10 m.p.h. for a reason, really! )

Tony, are you out there? Why can't we burn rubber?

I was horrified to discover some gray eyebrow hairs yesterday and immediately flashed to Andy Rooney's hideous brows. If I start removing them (the hairs), I will have to then draw an eyebrow on my face which would be even worse, giving me flashbacks to the time my younger sister shaved her eyebrows off thinking it was what young girl did. What were you thinking Diane?

I need some advice here.

Enough is enough with the Internet please! I'm not sure I can take much more.

The latest headache is receiving my health insurance policy through an e-mail, some gargantuan document I can't even read because my old computer at home refuses (and I don't blame it) to load one more thing, like the acrobat reader program I supposedly need to load this document.

I don't have time to read this thing at work.

You would think, with the cost of health insurance, a Chippendale dancer would be delivering a copy of it to my door, on a silver platter.

Does anyone else out there hate reading things on the Internet?

What happened to sitting at the kitchen table, morning sun beating through the window, a cup of coffee in hand, papers spread out in front of you....

Curled up in your favorite armchair.....the cat taking up one of the arms.

In bed, pillows plumped up, the lamp on the nightstand only 60 watts so there's a warm yellow glow....

Who wants to sit at a computer and read?

What have they done to us?

One thousand years from now our rears will have evolved into immense pancakes, changing the face of furniture forever............